We sit in a dark pub and I tell a story I never tell. We talk afterward about how I'll probably never tell it onstage, and then about the problem it poses to even have a category called Stories I'll Never Tell Onstage. He understands the events as I explain them, but struggles to understand the dread that has me curled into a ball.
What are you so afraid of? he asks, and it takes me until the next day to find the words to answer.
I'm afraid of not being good. What if I'm not good, as in, a good person, good mother, good wife, good friend, good daughter, good sister, good citizen? The possibility alone makes me feel like the sky is falling--overwhelms me with feelings of doom and dread.
I spend days sitting with the realization that I've constructed so much of my life around this scaffolding called Being Good. A kind of tenderness toward myself creeps in as I see how it's run me around the block until I'm ragged and raw. Then sadness follows as I see how it's censored me and kept me from even telling the truth to myself at times.
I can't be true if I'm preoccupied with being good.
I'm hereby giving myself permission to give up the Being Good game, and I'm giving you the same permission, too. It's time to bring all the stories and parts that don't fit inside its limits out into the light.
Because goodness, like everything else we are taught, is best in moderation.
The "So Good" vintage distressed tee is available as part of The Iconic Self Home Retreat Kit, or for individual sale.
$30 USD, ships free worldwide
"So Good" Vintage Tees feature distressed edges and super-soft cotton, and light blue text. These run small, so size up if possible. This design is also available in our popular Curvy Girl style (Gildan UltraCotton shirt), which runs true to size (see drop-down menu).
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